# My Head Hurts #3 *13 September 2025* ![A graphic, inspired by Lester Beall, symbolising the discomfort and unease of antidepressant withdrawl](mhh-3a.webp) **It's important to say, I'm not a Doctor. The following is my personal experience, please speak to your GP before you make any changes to your medication.** Have you thought about why some people, often young women, are driven to cut themselves? Taking a blade and deliberately cutting into your own flesh seems so counter to everything we think of as normal, certainly in the Western culture I grew up in. I find it difficult to comprehend. ### *"I'm moving spread-eagled towards a wall, a very hard, rough concrete wall."* But at three in the morning, when my body really aches, when I get that indescribable feeling between a numb ache, a pain, and an electric current running through everything, I always imagine the same scene. I'm running, but not running, that wouldn't make sense. I'm moving spread-eagled towards a wall, a very hard, rough concrete wall. Every part of me hits the wall at the same time, and the feeling stops, just for a moment. It's quiet, no, it's silent, everything is silent, and I relax. That feeling doesn't last long, almost no time at all. That's what I imagine cutting is like: a release. A way to stop everything, without stopping EVERYTHING. Don't worry, I'm not in danger of cutting myself or running into a concrete wall; apart from anything, I'm far too squeamish. I'm pleased to say, I have no wish to hurt myself in any way. But, strangely, the thought is always the same: perhaps it's my subconscious telling me something. ## A Quick Recap At the end of the last post, I was four weeks into my life, after 25 years, without Amitriptyline. A month later, and disappointingly, very little has changed. I'm still taking 30 mg of Fluoxetine daily, and I'm still experiencing the same side effects. Bizarrely, the worst aspect is not the side effects themselves, but how they affect my sleep. Immediately after I stopped taking Amitriptyline, insomnia was a significant side effect in its own right, but that seems to have faded. It's the muscle ache/pain, whatever we're calling it, that's keeping me awake now. I'm now so sleep-deprived that, honestly, it's a struggle to function. Although that's incredibly depressing, it does give me some hope that when the ache eventually settles, I should be able to finally get some sleep. ## Where next? I don't know. There's this niggle in the back of my head that I can't shake off: What if this isn't withdrawal and this is a reaction to the Fluoxetine? As is generally the case, I started taking Fluoxetine at the same time as reducing Amitriptyline, and all the symptoms I have are common to SSRIs like Fluoxetine, so it's entirely possible. In that case, nothing will improve, no matter how long I wait. As far as I'm aware, there's no way of telling. At the moment, my plan is to wait a few more weeks and see what happens. If things are still the same this time next month, then maybe I need to think again. Dr Mark Horowitz's [website](https://markhorowitz.org/) offers the most practical, professional advice I've found online. The academic papers are impenetrable to the non-professional, but he has useful [links to newspaper articles](https://markhorowitz.org/media-articles/) which explain things in layman's terms. The UK mental health charity, [Mind](https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/antidepressants/withdrawal-effects-of-antidepressants/), is also a good resource. Take care out there. Previous post: [[My Head Hurts 2]] #Amitriptyline #Fluoxetine #MHH #mental-health #lester-beall > [!info] Comments > As yet, I don't have any way to accept comments directly on the blog. Feel free to [email me](mailto:[email protected]) and I'll post your comment below. > > If you want to email in confidence, just make it clear in the email.